Never
by AHigherOctave
Summary: Lilly Truscott never got anything she wanted. Semi-AU.


I.

Lilly Truscott never got anything she wanted.

II.

Lilly never really wanted Jake Ryan. She wanted the Zombie Slayer that always said something smart and witty because he had a readymade script, she wanted to move sixty rungs up the social ladder by dating him, she wanted Miley to feel jealous for one instead of stealing the spotlight away from her, she wanted Oliver to know what it felt like to be abandoned for popularity after he'd refused to look at her when the lists came out.

She'd just gotten lucky.

As she danced with Jake though, she realized how much less she wanted him every time he looked her in the eye, smirking like she was the luckiest girl in the world. And the feeling in her gut didn't agree with him. She got more and more bored every time he opened his mouth to regale her with yet another story of him and his fabulous life as a teen superstar, as if she didn't get enough of that.

When she saw Miley strut in, complete with little red dress, and strike her hands on the hips pose, it was a welcome change. At that moment it was really worth it. She was there with Jake Ryan. She was the girl everyone else wanted to be. She had the most popular guy in school as a date and Oliver was stuck being DJ because every one of the hundred freshly rejected girls in the Eighth Grade had dammed him not worthy.

Then it became obvious she really _was_ just the girl Jake was using to make Miley jealous. And she was just the short skater who'd been lucky enough to inherit her mother's mane of brilliant blond hair again. Suddenly she was fighting Miley and they were pushing each other into refreshment tables. And in the bathroom, she fake cried. Maybe she couldn't have Jake but neither could Miley.

And she got a different kind of victory then she had planned but at least she wasn't alone.

II.

She never wanted to be stood up by Matt Marshall. It was bad enough being made over by her more attractive best friend and having her skater friends refer to her as "Fine" and "Hot" but being passed over for it? That simply wasn't acceptable. So she took him to court and sued him. She'd gotten him back.

And then she got stood up again. This time at the mall while Miley flirted with Dex who'd just gotten a job at the Sunglass Hut and Oliver pretended to browse the magazine rack nearby. Slowly five o'clock ticked away to five fifteen which ticked away to the thirty minute mark. The he wasn't coming mark. Oliver stopped pretending to be interested in how Jennifer Aniston stayed in shape and had taken her into the movie himself.

III.

Lilly never really liked Joe Jonas. Yes, she usually liked funny guys. And yes, he had the overly cared for hair she usually liked but his brown eyes didn't shine right when he sang. Nick, on the other hand, looked like he really meant it when he strummed a guitar, approached a microphone, or even when he just talked. So when she met him, even though it was as a guy instead of herself or even Lola, she just _had_ to hug him. Yes, it might have been a little awkward on his side but he'd never see the non-existent guy that was Otis again. So what did it matter?

It mattered because Miley, as Hannah, kissed Nick Jonas the next week. And Lilly had to hear about it, again and again and again. Then she'd had to see pictures of them together for months with dating rumors scrawled along the sidebars of gossip columns next to those of Jake's latest fling. And it hurt a little, because Lilly had really liked him.

IV.

Lilly was ten when she stopped believing in Santa. It wasn't because Oliver told her the day after Christmas excitedly, it was because she didn't get what she wished for. And she'd behaved so well for the months leading up to it, she'd kept herself form dunking Oliver at the beach so she could laugh while he sputtered out salt water and she'd been extra nice to her little brother Dean in hopes that Santa would recognize her as a sweet and considerate girl whose heart was pure. And then he'd fix her mommy and daddy like she wanted him to, he'd bring them back their love.

Christmas morning Lilly had woken up at six am like always to open all of her presents. She'd gotten a complete set of N*SYNC marionettes from their new No Strings Attached album and a karaoke machine. She'd gotten a new Barbie dollhouse she hadn't asked for and wondered if it was her mom's wish to Santa for Lilly to be more girly. She'd gotten a pair of fuzzy light blue slippers.

And, for a while that morning, it seemed like she'd gotten her big wish. Her parents smiled and took pictures of them tearing off wrapping paper emblazoned with snowflakes. At one point, Lilly even saw her father drape his blue-striped bathrobe clad arm around her mother's shoulders and smile while ripping open the next gift waiting in her pile. They'd laughed in the kitchen while Lilly's dad made the traditional bacon and cinnamon rolls. Her mother sipped a cup of tea and watched.

After all the debris of the freshly opened toys had been cleaned out, she went upstairs to get dressed for dinner and more presents at Oken's next door. When she came down she didn't see her father in the living room where her mother sat looking stony in her red holiday dress and sipping another cup of tea. She informed her that daddy wasn't coming he had a, pause, headache. And Lilly frowned, Santa wasn't real.

The next year Lilly's dad moved out the week after Thanksgiving. He moved out of the beach and sand that was Malibu and to Las Vegas. He came to see them every so often with gifts, and his new attached at the hips best friend. Lilly thought he was his version of her new BFF from Tennessee, Miley, who'd moved in just as he'd left.

The summer after ninth grade he'd come to visit without him. He'd gone to the skate park to watch Lilly and Oliver show him the tricks they'd learned since last time. He'd taken them out to dinner. In the car after a stop at McDonald's, he asked if it was okay with Lilly if he told her something important with Oliver there. Lilly laughed in the backseat and told him she would end up telling him anyways. Lilly's dad took a deep breath. He was gay.

V.

Right before preschool started, Lilly's mom had taken her shopping. She'd ignored the fact that Lilly had immediately been drawn to a blue-and-red backpack with Spiderman on the front and got her a pink Barbie one with stupid little flowers. Lilly had wanted to get a green sweatshirt and a t-shirt with a turtle on it to wear with a pair of her jeans that first day. Heather had put a purple v-neck shirt with a pale pink tank top attached underneath and frilly skirt to match in the cart and then gone on to the school supply section. There Lilly's eyes traveled quickly to a Lion King coloring book with Simba as a cub on the front. Heather had said no and had gotten one with Snow White on the cover, ignoring Lilly's protests that she was the stupidest princess.

So when that first morning of school had rolled around, Lilly had locked her door and refused to come out. Her mother had cried and begged but Lilly had sat on her bed quietly ignoring her. She didn't want to be made a fool of just because her mother refused to accept her for what she really was, a tomboy. It was her father that had gently coaxed her out, like always. He'd told her mother to go downstairs and make breakfast and he'd get Lilly out. She'd listened to her mother's footsteps go all the way down the stairs before she let him in.

"Daddy," She'd pouted, leading him back into her room. "All the kids are gonna make fun of me if I go to school in that," She pointed to the outfit hanging on the back of her closet door.

"No-one is going to make fun of you, Lilly pad," He promised, stroking her hair. "It's just for one day and then you can go back to your shorts and sneakers."

"What about my stupid backpack?" She asked, her eyes welling up with tears. "I'm stuck with that for the rest of the year!"

"I'll tell you what," He smiled at her, "If you're good and don't fuss while your mother puts those ribbons in your hair-"

"Ribbons?" She interrupted, shoving her face into her Beauty and the Beast pillowcase. "I hate those stupid things!"

"I know, but if you let her do it just for today, then I'll pick you up and we can go to the mall and get any backpack you want," He promised, and Lilly's head immediately rose from the bed.

"Daddy, no one's going to want to play soccer with me or ride bikes if I look like a crybaby," She protested, sitting cross-legged.

"What about that boy from next door?" Her father asked, trying to think of his name. "Will he play with you?"

She jumped up and down on the bed suddenly, "Oliver!" She shouted happily, "Oliver will play with me!"

Her father chuckled, pulling her into his lap, "See? Now stop jumping on your covers, if you get dirt stains on them again your mother will yell."

Little Lilly shuddered and stood up on the carpet, "I'll go to school and play with Oliver…" She walked over to her doorway, then turned back, "But only if you take me to get the Spiderman backpack!"

VI.

She didn't remember much of her first date ever, with Lucas. She remembered comparing it to stories she'd heard. He didn't kiss her like Becca had kissed Oliver on his first date. He didn't leave mid-date like Josh had when he'd taken Miley to her own concert, which she took to be a good sign. He actually showed up, unlike Matt Marshall who'd left her waiting twice. He didn't throw up on her like Jackson had on the first girl who was ever stupid enough to go on a date with him. She remembered only one thing, him asking her to be his girlfriend. And the only reason she remembered it was because she'd flipped over to Miley and Oliver happily to share the news. She didn't even really remember him actually asking her, she remembered the look on her friends' faces. Miley had looked over the moon, not yet aware of what a jerk Lucas would end up being. Oliver, on the other hand, seemed about ready to stone her new boyfriend to death. When Lucas admitted to cheating on her, she wished she'd let him.

It was hard not to cry, to be weak in front of not only Miley who was right yet again, but also all the people in the restaurant, was an intolerable thought though…almost as intolerable as the idea of throwing away twelve years of never shedding a tear in front of Oliver. So instead she'd dumped her cocktail sauce on his head and admired her work. It had landed Lola in the papers on her own for the first time. It had put Lucas through basic social murder when the story that he'd cheated on not only her, but also one of the most popular girls in school, Amy Nickerson, had surfaced. And Amy had suddenly she found that she had tons in common with Lilly, jet setting her reputation.

Yeah, victory was sweet.

VII.

A lot of the time people forgot that Lilly and Oliver had been friends before preschool, even Miley. People simply said it so much that any other knowledge they'd had faded into oblivion, or had never been informed of any prior history due to the fact that the two of them had gotten so sick of correcting people. Even their parents seemed to ignore that they'd been making mud pies in sandboxes for two years before school existed in their lives due to the fact that 'since preschool' was so much easier to explain.

They'd bonded though, by the time they'd entered the Little Red Schoolhouse on Beaker Street their friendship was already strong enough to withstand break. Lilly, complete with her stupid girly outfit, had come in and slid into the chair beside him. His mother had gotten him a Batman backpack, she noticed enviously. Then her jealously had taken a turn in another direction as she saw what sat before him on the table, "Ollie!" She shouted out, causing him to jump, he'd been too entranced in what he was doing to notice her. "Is that the 64-pack?" She asked excitedly.

He smiled proudly, "With the sharpener!" She gasped and reached for it, only to have it pulled out of her way.

"Let me use it," She whined, stretching her small arms as close as she could get to it.

"No," He shook his head, "They're sorted…by color," He paused for affect, only to see she was still grabbing for them. "Lil!"

"Pwease," She begged, relaxing her arm and looking up at him with her dark blue eyes. "I promise I won't mess them up."

"No, they're my 'pecial thing." He pouted, and started drawing his ocean again.

"I'll give you the cookie from my lunch," She bargained, still looking up at him pleadingly.

"No, I already have a cookie today," He told her as he scribbled outside the lines.

"My toy ice cream truck?" She asked instead.

"No," He shook his head again, "It has to be something I weally want."

She brought her thumb nail up to chew on, spacing out into thought. She couldn't come up with anything though. She stared at him quizzically after a second, "What?"

"Kiss me!" He said excitedly. It was something he'd wanted to try it ever since he'd seen Cinderella.

"Ew!" She screamed loud enough for not only the kids close by to look over but also both teachers, and the assistants. "Cooties!"

He shushed her, seeing the adults coming to remove them from each other. He didn't want to have to make new friends. "Hold my hand?"

She contemplated this for a moment, she'd held his hand before and it wasn't gross like kissing someone even it was a little sticky from peanut butter and jelly sandwiches sometimes. "Deal," She agreed, taking his fingers in between hers.

This was the moment everyone else had assumed they'd started. It was what people used whilst trying to get them to date and when they said they hated each other. No-one seemed to realized that they'd been stuck together even earlier than that, since the day the Oken's black lab, Midnight, had gotten into the Truscott's back yard and dug up Heather's flower bed back when Lilly and Oliver couldn't even talk, let alone hold hands.

VII.

In seventh grade all the girls in Seaview Junior High had been forced to take Home Economics AKA Cooking while the boys all took Woodshop. Yes it was extremely sexist, but none of the faculty members seemed to care. Needless to say, Lilly hated it. She didn't have many friends that weren't boys. In fact, there was only Saint Sarah and she'd gotten out of it because she was a vegetarian and wouldn't cook meat. When Lilly tried this excuse she'd gotten switched at first too, then two hours later the guidance counselor had caught her having a 'who can eat more hotdogs faster' contest with Oliver in the cafeteria. Needless to say, she'd been put back in the class.

The first week of the class had been hell, Lilly sat alone at a table, Lilly cooked alone, Lilly ate alone, and Lilly listened to music alone to block out the noise of Amber, Ashley, and Joanie insulting her. Then when Lilly finally got to rush out of class and meet Oliver, it was only to have him and Todd make fun of her for being in such a girly elective. Apparently not even her many violent reactions to this could spurn them either.

The second week, Lilly came in with Third Eye Blind blasting loudly in her ears already, only to find someone sitting at her table. It wasn't anyone she recognized, which was actually a good thing considering most of the girls she knew. This one was sitting straight as a rod, looking around the classroom frantically and looking like a deer caught in the headlights. Her head to toe pink-and-purple ensemble seemed to scream 'Look at me!' but it kind of seemed to Lilly that if anyone did so obviously, she might fall out of her chair. So she was careful as she took the seat across from the brunette, putting away her black iPod in her blue L.L. Bean bag. And she tentatively smiled at the stranger.

She introduced herself, and so did the girl. Her name was Miley. She was from Tennessee. She'd moved here with her dad and her brother. She was amazed by how blond and tan everyone was in Malibu. Oh my god, Lilly was blond and tan. She was sorry. She babbled when she was uncomfortable. She understood if Lilly hated her.

Amber and Ashley had taken this moment as their chance to pop up. "Of course she doesn't hate you," Amber cooed sympathetically, placing a pink-manicured hand on her shoulder.

"Thanks," Miley blushed, smiling at them.

Amber snapped her hand off. "She's the Queen of Losers," Ashley piped in, grinning evilly. "I would say she's the king, but her boyfriend Oken seems to have that taken care of. I guess that makes you the princess."

"Or maybe just a frog," Amber snorted.

Her eyes met Ashley's, "Ooo…" They each put a hand on their outer hip, "Ah…" and then touched their pointer fingers together.

Lilly couldn't take it anymore. She pushed her chair back and went to stand in front of Ashley's stupid big nose threateningly. "You know Trashley, I don't see any frogs here."

"Oh really? Is this your way of calling me a princess? I've definitely heard that one before." She said haughtily.

"No, it's my way of calling you a skunk, although...a skunk probably has more natural looking stripes in its hair." Ashley and Amber's hands flew to their matching blond highlights that ran right down the middle of their ponytails.

Miley laughed, "Probably smells better than the inside of Uncle Earl's gym locker too."

From that moment, Lilly knew she and the new girl would get along just fine.

IX.

Lilly had lied to Miley when she had shuddered at the thought of dating Jackson. No, she didn't really want to date him…now but that didn't mean the thought had never crossed her mind.

In Eighth grade, after Jake had dumped her at the dance she'd slept over Miley's. They'd rented the only three Scary Movies that had been out at the time, neither one of them wanting to see a romantic comedy and think about Teen Bighead more than necessary. Miley had fallen asleep during the first one. And instead of watching the rest of them alone, Jackson had joined Lilly. They'd laughed at the cheesy Charlie's Angel montage in the middle and doodled a big fat moustache on Miley's face. After the movies were all over, they went out back onto the porch and had just talked until the sun rose. It may have not been the deep, spill your guts stuff that dreams were made of but it still made her see Miley's stupid older brother in a new light.

So when Miley waddled out mumbling something about her father and pancakes, Lilly had glared at her. No, she didn't want pancakes. She wanted to enjoy the California sun on while sitting on the stupid uncomfortable wood.

Apparently Jackson hadn't felt the same way, he'd asked about chocolate chips and dashed in excitedly. Lilly sat there for a second and then let Miley help her up. Why not have the pancakes? She liked chocolate and syrup. And maybe Jackson…

It hadn't lasted long. Besides that one Jackson rarely showed any potential of ever wanting to return to being friendly with Lilly on the same level. He didn't really show any potential of being anything but a surf bum. And if he did talk to her, it was usual about stupid but hot Becky who was so dumb she needed _him _to tutor her or about being bested by Rico yet again.

The next time Lilly'd seen that funny, sweet Jackson, he hadn't even seen her. He was sitting at Rico's, and Lilly was on the steps to the boardwalk nearby waiting for Miley to get back from her date with someone or another from the water polo team. Jackson had been sitting at the counter looking sad. And Lilly was about to get up and talk to him when Saint Sarah had come trotting up the steps.

"Hey Lilly," She smiled.

"Hi," Lilly offered back. She noticed Sarah was kind of dressed up for the beach…or for Sarah, really. She had on platform sandals although they appeared to be her usual organically made kind. And her face looked like she was actually wearing makeup besides chapstick. Then she noticed the look on her face. She followed it to the source. There was Jackson, still looking sad and tugging at a loose thread on his sleeve.

"I'll see you," Sarah mumbled absentmindedly, wandering over in his direction. Lilly watched as walked over slowly, nervously. She took a seat on the stool in front of Jackson Stewart. He looked scared at first but she saw Sarah's lips move and then him exhale. Then his lips started moving, and she faintly heard a few words. Dad. Miley. Disappointment.

She bit her lip. It was hard enough on her with comparing herself to Miley, she couldn't imagine how she'd deal with it if her parents did. Sarah nodded sympathetically as he kept going, his face contorting in pain. Finally he stopped, seemingly mid-sentence and looked up at the girl in front of him. The way his eyes fell on her made Lilly's heart stop. She knew the way he was staring at Sarah. It was the look of someone finding exactly what they'd been searching for right in front of them. He closed his hand over hers, and they both smiled.

Lilly almost felt like she would cry. She wanted somebody to look at her like that.

X.

Lilly had been playing Monopoly with the Oken family when her cell rang. She ignored it at first, rolling the dice. She remembered getting a twelve, landing on the stupid Boardwalk which Oliver had a hotel on. She'd almost gone broke paying him. Later on, after everyone had gone to bed they'd stayed up trying to break each other's backs. Lilly with her Marvin Garden, the other yellows, and the railroads. Oliver with the dark blues and the greens. It had been almost two am and Oliver had mortgaged out most of his none-dark blue property to stay afloat when Lilly'd suggested they just roll the dice for the win.

She'd made him go first. He had gotten a seven. Not a particularly low roll, but not a high one. Lilly took her time shaking up the dice. Then she'd unclasped her hands and let them hit the board, her breath caught in her chest. She got a ten. She won.

The second they lay still, Oliver groaned. She cheered and bragged and jumped around. He'd taken it, and slung an arm across her shoulder. They walked to his bedroom. They'd put on his Plain White T's CD and laid down. She was too exhilarated to sleep, unlike him. So she checked her voicemail. She sat at Oliver's desk, putting in her code 2450. The first message was from her mom. Aunt Sandra was coming over tomorrow, bringing Kathleen, don't forget. She planned on being there for that, she loved her two-year-old cousin with her green-brown eyes and her infectious laugh. She smiled, clicking the five to hear her next message. It was Miley but she didn't sound as bubbly and happy as usual. On the contrary, she sounded panicked.

"I know you're hanging out with Oliver…I just," She heard her breath suck in uneasily. "I might have done something really stupid. I was out with Traci…and…and…we ran into Jake." Sjit. "I…I'm at his hotel room." Double shit. "We…I…Lilly, I slept with him. God, I'm such an idiot." There was a sob. "He said he still loves me, and he hasn't been able to forget about me. And I…I melted. And somehow we ended up back here." There was a long pause, "I love him though." Lilly's heart broke. "So, I guess, it was right. And it was-" Lilly clicked her phone off. She couldn't hear about how great it was, not when she wasn't in love. Not even close.

She looked behind her at Oliver. He was still sleeping soundly on his bed, head curled into his black pillowcase. She willed him to wake up, but he didn't. So she gathered the stuff of hers on his floor and, cradling in her arms, closed his door behind her and went home.

XI.

Up until tenth grade Lilly struggled with depression due to an unusual obsession with death. She never talked about it with anyone, and she hid it well. She'd stay up all night thinking about what it was like, when it happened, if there was anything after this life, and if so what the afterlife was like. When she read the Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold it had only strengthened her problem. She spent a lot of time thinking about her heaven. If there was any such thing as a pure, true heaven even. I mean, everyone was in the wrong sometimes, so didn't mean that part of their afterlife should be hell? If you went to heaven, what did you look like? Did you appear as you were when you died like Susie Salmon at 13? Or did you appear as you looked at the time in your life when you were happiest? Or did you keep aging even after death? These questions haunted her even when she decided on the answers in her opinion.

She still didn't fully believe in the idea of afterlife and she definitely didn't believe in things such as predestination and fate. She though you must have more control in your life than that, and every action must have a reaction. And more than anything else, she wanted to believe in her heaven.

It was a beautiful place, full of Lilac bushes and Holly trees with little red berries. There was a butterfly bush behind her old, red Victorian house there just like the one her dad had to cut down in the backyard because it's roots were intertwining themselves with their septic tank. It had the same fluttery humming birds, and the yellow butterflies with Zebra stripes she'd loves as well as the normal ones. And the front had a big old tree with two swings hanging off, just like the one in Oliver's yard. There was a pond just down the street with a boat ramp in the middle, just like the one she and Oliver had liked to play in when they were kids before some resort bought it out.

The road led to places Lilly loved. There was the old playground she and Oliver still liked to go to and an amazing skate park about two seconds down it. After that was the mall in the city she and Miley always jumped at the chance to go to, with the BCBG Max Azaria and the Coach store. If you followed it further, Rico's came in and so did the bowling alley near her dad's house she loved. The problem with this heaven was, just when she would be about to give into it she'd turn around excitedly to squeal with Miley and Oliver only to find they didn't exist there. And she'd wake up, scared out of her mind.

One night she'd taken too long to wake up from this dream. Instead of just finding herself wide awake and terrified, she'd been stuck in this land. And it hadn't been beautiful anymore, it had gotten cold and lonely, and she shuddered and ran but nothing she did would break it. Finally after what seemed like days, she found herself crying in her bed. The second she realized where she was, she ran. She didn't care how loud she was as she ran from her house, and next door to the Oken's. She yanked up Oliver's window, and struggled in. She crawled into bed next to him, and sobbed. It had taken him all of two seconds to wake up. He seemed disoriented when he did but he held her as she wailed about how horrible it was and shushed her soothingly, rubbing her back. She'd hiccupped and chocked through her story and he waited patiently for her to finish. When she did, he threaded his arms tight around her. "Lilly," He'd whispered. "I'm never gonna let that happen." He pushed her hair back and wiped her forehead with his pajama sleeve. "Now you're going to stay the rest of the night here, and I'm gonna make sure that you're safe and warm and happy."

"And not alone!" She'd whimpered back.

"I'll be here," He promised, tucking her under his covers. She fell asleep almost instantly. She didn't have the nightmare again that night. Or ever again.

XII.

The morning after Lilly bolted from Oliver's he'd shown up at her door. He brought a Stop and Shop bag with Captain Crunch and Moose Tracks in it. He laughed when Lilly asked what it was, saying he wasn't sure what she needed to talk about so he narrowed it down to the two most likely complying foods. She took two spoons out of the drawer and they'd opened the ice cream. She told him about Miley and Jake. About feeling alone and desperate again when she thought she'd finally gotten over it. He'd listened intently, sucking chocolate swirls of his silverware. At least it was just Miley though. He still was alone.

Lilly then said something extremely stupid. She voiced her fear about being the last virgin in the group. One of the two of them would have to be, Jackson had done it, Sarah had, even Todd had. And she didn't want it to be her.

Apparently he didn't want it to be him either because he freaked out. Why was everyone having sex all the sudden? Didn't anyone care about waiting anymore? Wasn't that what Miley was always preaching at everyone? Hypocrite!

And then Lilly had blurted out something about they should just get it over with. And it had all gotten extremely awkward. Oliver had though she meant…they…should…she didn't, did she? Of course she hadn't. It was amazing how their friendship had changed in all of five seconds. Suddenly he was stuttering something about his mother wondering where he was and how he should get home and tripping on his chair on the way out the door.

Lilly didn't see him the rest of that weekend, and when she saw him the next Monday in school it was only because he hadn't been able to avoid her because he sat in front of her in English. Of course they'd had to take AP English junior year. And because of the maturity expectations attached to the classes you were allowed to read smutty books. So they had to sit there talking about the sexual tension that Robbie and Cecilia experienced in the first few chapters of Atonement before she'd sent her childhood friend a rather…friendly note and they'd basically got it on causing Robbie to be institutionalized. Unlike when Lilly had first read this, she actually felt for the girl. Although she was keeping it out of her mind as she rushed out of the room, trying not to make eye contact with Oliver. The rest of the week followed approximately in the same suit. Lilly sat with Miley and Jake at lunch, Oliver with Todd and Sarah. And they split the five minutes between classed in half so they wouldn't have to make awkward chat at their lockers.

It wasn't until Todd's post-homecoming football game party two weeks later they couldn't seem to pretend to miss each other anymore. She'd been sitting on his couch next to Sarah when Jackson had come home from college as a surprise. Sarah had disappeared with him into Todd's parents bedroom. Lilly had shuddered and gone into the kitchen. There she squeezed her way past Miley and Jake, who were too engrossed in tonsil hockey to make room for her, in hopes of getting a beer. Instead she'd found Oliver next to a very empty keg. "Lillypie," He smiled, sloshing his cup around. "Todd needs…more…uh-"

"Booze?" She suggested, peering into the empty container.

"Mmm," He agreed, hugging her. She froze and he pulled away, "Whas wrong?" He asked, slurring his words only slightly. She wondered if he'd actually had much to drink or if he just couldn't handle liquor. Neither of them were typically the drinking type. She stared at him so long, she forgot she hadn't answered. "That's right," He slapped his forehead, laughing. "We're avoiding each other because…" He stopped, and looked nervously at her.

"What?" She asked curiously.

"Oh no," He giggled, leaning against the counter space not taken up by their friends. "That would be really stupid of me." So he wasn't too drunk.

"Say it, Oliver," She demanded, crossing her arms across her chest.

He looked at her seriously, "Rock and a…a…"

"Hard place?" She suggested, taking the cup from him and sipping at his remaining Bud.

"That's it," He mumbled, rubbing his forehead. He looked at her after a minute. "Okay," He told her. "I'll tell you, but I can't…do it with them," He pointed to Miley and Jake. "Doing that right there." She nodded and followed him out of the kitchen, and then out of the back slider.

"Where are we going?" She asked, and he shook his head. "You do realize that isn't an answer."

"Just come on," He was attempting to climb the fence. He fell instead. "Ow." Lilly followed him easily, through Todd's neighbor's backyard and onto the street. Then they turned onto their road. He led the way into his yard and struggled to open his window. She nudged him aside and pried it open herself. She climbed in first, and then helped him stumble through before closing it. They sat on the bed and he turned on the stereo. What I've Done by Linkin Park came quietly out of it.

Lilly turned toward him, "Are you gonna tell me?" She murmured.

He looked down at his hands, "I'm not ready."

"Oliver," She sighed, lying down. "I'm not a patient person. I really wish I was the type that could sit here and wait but I think that if I try I'll end up physically harming myself…or you."

He was silent for another moment, then he laid down mirroring her so they were eye to eye. "Do you believe in fate?" He questioned.

She felt a strong urge to turn away, to flit her eyes to the walls, to be anywhere but there. She couldn't just leave though, this was Oliver. "I don't think so."

"You don't think that there's reason we've never ever been apart?" She felt her eyes go wide. "You don't think it's destiny?"

"N-no," She stuttered. And when he didn't stop staring at her, she mumbled, "Luck."

"I think I've got a solution to our problem," He told her, and she looked at him quizzically. "We both don't want to be the last to have sex, right?" She nodded nervously. "Maybe…we should, be each other's first."

She felt her eyes go wide, "We can't Oliver." She sat up, feeling very out of place in her own skin. "I won't ruin our friendship over something like this." She felt his hand on her arm as she tried to get out of his bed.

"Look at me," She did. "Nothing can ever break us, right?" She nodded. "Then we can both be last, together." And she found herself agreeing. And then it happened.

Miley said Jake usually fell asleep after sex but not Oliver. He was wired, and so was Lilly. They got in their PJs-Lilly'd accidentally left hers there in her rush to get out that night a few weeks ago-and went into the backyard. They'd tried to fashion crowns out of grass while talking about Lilly's dad and how Oliver had once shoved a battery up his nose once when Lilly was at her grandma's house when they were six. And they talked about Lilly's heaven theory. And her hell. Then they'd gotten a tub of mint chocolate chip ice cream and two spoons. Lilly got to carry the spoons, because Oliver was convinced he was coordinated enough to climb the rickety boards nailed into the tree with the ice cream. He dropped it about six times before begrudgingly handing it to Lilly and coming up after it. So they sat in the tree house, eating ice cream and trying to get their old tin can phone to work while the sun came up. And when it did, Lilly forgot to look away from Oliver.

XIII.

When Lilly was having trouble grasping the difference between life and death there had been one person who'd been able to bring her answers if only for a few hours at a time. Her cousin, Lisa had gotten pregnant, and for the whole time Lilly was beyond disappointed in her. Heather insisted she was being to hard on her, but she ignored her. Probably a big part of this was that Lilly found herself and Lisa entirely too similar. With their athletic frames, their long blond hair, and those dark blue eyes, they were mistaken for sisters by anyone they encountered for the first time together, and some they didn't. They were both driven in opposite ways. Lilly was driven to beat Oliver at anything and everything she tried, and to get out of Malibu. Lisa wanted popularity, and any boy she couldn't have. They both had addictive personalities, never able to live without anything they made contact with even once. Lilly tried to ignore hers and fought trying anything that might spark it for the most part, Lisa embraced it full on with drugs and alcohol.

Lilly faked sick to get out of seeing the baby in the hospital. And then she avoided seeing her for a month afterwards. Then her aunt Sandra and Lisa had come over with the baby when Oliver was at the orthodontist. Lilly cursed him for spending so much time there. Then she saw Kathleen. And she couldn't be angry anymore. How could anybody be angry when they had something so beautiful in such close proximity to them. She immediately moved to hold her, and for the rest of the night, no one had the slightest chance. She cuddled the baby and when she cried, she knew exactly what she needed. She'd gone and gotten the formula out of the diaper bag on the kitchen table, and made the bottle while cradling Kathleen in one arm. She tested the temperature but it was already perfect so she let her have it. And after she finished drinking, she sang her Lullabye by Billy Joel until she fell asleep.

After that, not a week could go by without her seeing her. Usually Oliver walked to her aunt's with her with the lure of going skating after. He'd actually been the first one she'd walked to, much to Lilly's dismay. No matter what she did, the girl loved Oliver almost as much as she loved Lilly. She spent so much time thinking how unfair it was that Lisa had been given something so beautiful and perfect that she didn't deserve. And then Lisa had gotten pregnant again. As much as Lilly loved Kathleen she wanted nothing more than to slap her, how had she been so stupid? She kept her mouth shut though for fear that if she said something Lisa would respond with an act of irrational selfishness like trying to keep her from Kathleen. At Thanksgiving, she and Oliver were sitting at the table with her under 25 crowd of relatives. They were talking about Harry Potter, how much both she and her cousin, Emily, couldn't wait for the sixth movie to come out because of the Ron and Hermione parts in it. And how they weren't crazy about Harry and Ginny. Lilly thought the idea of Ginny and Malfoy held some merit. Emily thought it'd be hot.

Then her mother had come over, and asked Lisa if she was really moving to Washington. And Lilly's heart had shattered for the first time. The table had gone silent from it's former state of merriment. They were all staring at her. She didn't even wait for an answer, she'd gone into the living room and kissed Kathleen on the forehead. She told her she loved her. Kathleen said she loved her too. Lilly had walked outside before she could see her cry. Oliver had caught up to her, and before her mother could come out, he ushered her into his car. Lilly sobbed and beat up on the glove compartment. Oliver had said…something. Lilly didn't really hear him though. She was too busy thinking about how ironic it was that she'd gotten her heart broken for the first time, but it wasn't by a boy but a little girl and her undeserving mother.

XIV.

Lilly didn't ever want to leave that hot August day. It didn't matter that Oliver was going with her or that she'd see Miley when came to tour in New York or that she never had to see Jake Ryan again if she wanted to. She didn't want to leave her bed upstairs, or her little brother no matter how pissed she was that he'd drank her last yellow Gatorade. She didn't want to leave her movie nights at the Stewart house. Or the afternoons she and Oliver spent in the tree house kissing and giggling over nothing. She didn't want to make a new home or spread her wings, she wanted to be here even if her mom forced her to do the gross underwear load of laundry. Oliver had coaxed her into his mom's car so they could go to the airport though. And somehow she'd agreed to something about Dunkin' Doughnuts and the plane. Suddenly she was strapped into the coach section and he was holding her hand as she freaked out in Malibu for the last time. And they were off the ground.

When they got to New York it was almost midnight. He waved them down a cab, and gave him the address of the apartment. Then they'd gotten lost, for three hours. Apparently the cabbie was new to driving around the city for money, he had been a mattress salesman. So after a long time, they lugged their bags out and way overpaid him because he was funny. They took the elevator up to their floor, and Lilly was a little surprised when Oliver's key didn't break in the lock. She'd seen that happen to Monica and Chandler on an episode of Friends once.

She was even more surprise when she saw the inside of the apartment. It was huge, way bigger than the tiny ones she'd seen in documentaries with people living in the city. Miley was paying most of the rent, on the pretense that she got the master bedroom and she'd be in the city a lot. Lilly sat back on the couch, trying to believe the place was real. Then she started crying. She missed Malibu already.

XV.

Lilly Truscott never got anything she wanted.

Although sometimes when she kissed Oliver or hugged Miley or saw a gossip column with Nick Jonas' latest fling or when she was maid-of-honor at Miley and Jake's wedding…and walked down the aisle at her own she had a certain realization.

And she smiled to herself because what you want isn't always what you need.

**AN: **This would have been up last night but by the time I finished it I was too exhausted to think of anything witty to say in the author's note. And it's a sixteen-page one-shot, I think I deserve it. This was so hard to write, but so nice at the same time. It's my new favorite, and it reflects so much of me. Not just Lilly. So I really, really hope you all liked it. And I'm sorry if it's too long to read in one sitting, I just couldn't stop once I started. I'm going to make this into sort of a series. I haven't started the next one yet, but it'll be from Miley's POV and from the outline I'm thinking it'll be called Charmed. Thank you so much for taking the time to read through all this.


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